[*edit -- Eric is amazing: http://www.westegg.com/unmaintained/carnegie/stop-worry.html *]
The past two weeks have been rather interesting. I'm going to vent.
I fucking hate it when people are like, "yeah. I know how you feel." No you do not, ok. & I know my life isn't as bad as the kids suffering from AIDS in Africa, or the people who have lost everything due to Hurricane Katrina. I am aware of this.
In my standards, right now I have it... middling? I suppose. It's not horrible, but I've been so much goddamn better. School is fucking pissing me off-- I am way too busy. I get so much homework, and I rarelt have time for myself-- not to mention that I am involved with NHS and will be involved with Young Writers, and Environmental Activists. I cannot tell you the last time I played bass. That is so depressing.
Hmm, so my best friend has totally lost interest with hanging out with me because I don't get drunk. How pathetic. That annoys the shit out of me. The only time she calls me is when I ask about her in the message. Whatever. It's so hard for me because I am so sick of dropping EVERYTHING that I am doing and rush over to meet her every need which has happened more than once. & When I need her-- where the hell is she and why can't she make time for me the same way I do for her.
I'm sick of highschool drama. YOU FUCKING BITCHES & ASSHOLES, IT IS NOT THE FUCKING END OF THE WORLD CHILL OUT. So what if your clothing doesn't match, so what if you broke a nail, so what if your homecoming dress isn't the EXACT colour you wanted it to be, so what if you don't have a date, so what if your best friend got asked by the guy you wanted to go with. Honestly, you will not die. Trust me.
These college apps & shit are really stressing me out as well. College, at this moment, can go blow a horse. I'm just really lost-- and really confused. [aren'tweall?]
& My headaches, I know what you are thinking [wah wah, the bitch is complaing about her head again...]. I leave school tomorrow during 3rd hour and I am getting my MRI done. yayy.. I really hope to God they do not find something sever like a tumor since my eye doctor said it's a possibility.
My body is falling apart, and part of it goes to my "emo bag." That P.O.S. freaking hurts my back [when I have many heavy books in it] like none other -- Why don't you buy a new one? Well my friend, unlike the many people that live in Troy, I don't have the money to just run out and buy a new backpack.
What else can I complain about.
Oh yeah, the fact that I never vent to anyone because I feel like I'm complaining. I'm always the one that everyone comes to. Even when I vent to people they are just like, "well............. I'm sorry. That sucks." or they will be like, "yeah." Hmm, thanks for the advice people. Thanks for the help.
If everyone counts on me, then who can I count on, besides myself?
Damn, this is a super long post.
Oh---- and my weekends have sucked as well. I think I'd much rather be at school sleeping than at my house on the weekends. My mom has been drinking more than she should have been on the weekends. It gets annoying. She says some pretty hurtful things while under the influence, and she's hit me-- well play hitting but I told her to stop and she obviously didn't hear me? I dunno, it stresses me out.
I've also just been way to damn lonely. It really hurts. I don't think anyone truly understands that the person I love lives too far away, and the fact that I cannot see this person at all breaks my heart -- breaks it every day. Oh, and the fact that "the code" will always be a part of friendships really pisses me off. I truly am sick of sacrificing my happiness for someone elses I always put everyone before me. I always put their needs before my own. JTalley said thats my flaw-- that, that is where I am wrong. She told me that if the thing I want makes me happy and is something worth fighting for then I should go for it. Other people tell me that I should just do what I want.. I want to do what I want but I suppose other people's happiness is more important at times... IDK??
So do you think it's cool how I lost 6000 pictures
My college essays
My research paper for Film / Lit
every poem / piece of music I wrote
& Over 4000 songs
off of my computer. Yeah, I do. I think it's a party.
I SHOULD be writing my paper, but instead I am updating this worthless piece of crap that no one will read, or if they do, they will just comment and be like, "cheer up." Yeah, thankfuckingyou. YOU know how hard that is when you feel like absolute shit inside and everyone is like "oh, feel better!!!" Yes, I appreciate it, but it's just gay.
Basically, to sum up the things I chose to write about that are bothering me, I am just sick of sacraficing my happiness for other people. I've done it too many times, and I deserve to make myself happy this time. I am so damn depressed, but if I show it, then people will get mad-- people depend on my cheerfull-ness to make them feel better, or so I've been told. It's just gross how I have to pretend to be happy when all I am is just, mad, depressed, annoyed, and sick of my life at the moment. But I will continue to fake a smile! WAAhoo. MMkay. This entry is completely emo; I 47% apoligize for that.